"Oh no," JD said! "I'm turning into goo."

I was finally doing it. I was turning JD into goo.

I had first made up my mind when they said he was a Magic: the Gathering player. Yeah, there was a lot of heinous shit he had said before the Magic reveal, but that was really the straw that broke the iceberg. He's most of the -ists, wants to rip most people's rights away, and supports multiple right wing demagogues, all so he has more time to sit at home with his couch. But that's not enough motivation for me to hatch a scheme to turn someone into goo, is it? Okay, maybe it is, but I'm sorry, you don't get to do all of that and then present yourself as a face of the Magic: the Gathering community. We're very tight knit, and trust me, don't stand for anything that JD stands for.

What do we stand for? Science. That has always been my pursuit. Most days you can find me mixing chemicals in my lab. I've never been to an official chemistry class, but I've coasted off instructional YouTube videos and WikiHow pages. Today's mission: Turn JD into goo.

The stage was set, quite literally. JD was invited to talk at my local Couch Repair Store. They had thrown a huge event, with an elevated stage. I had wormed my way into the planning team, and had spent the night installing my large mysterious device (patent pending) to turn JD into goo. It was finally time. I would include portions of JD's speech for dramatic effect, but that would be very silly, as he has nothing of import to say.

Now you may ask: Why goo? I would answer twofold. Firstly, much like how there is no law that says a dog cannot play basketball, there is also no law that says a person cannot turn another person into goo. This is a large oversight, and one that I'm sure JD's administration would only exacerbate. Secondly, I don't know, I thought it would be a little funny.

And it was! "Oh no! Oh gosh. I've been turned into goo." Success!

Before us all in the audience, where JD previously stood, was a little jar, like the kind you put preserves or perhaps pickles in. The jar was filled with a slightly green viscous substance, this goo, somehow floating inside of itself, changing consistencies rapidly, adjusting to this new lifeform captured inside of it. You could still make out his face, but it looked like it had gone through a hundred distortion filters, or perhaps a series of permanent funhouse mirrors. The dorky chin was somehow dorkier, the eyes brought out to an even faker extent. The jaw was locked into that silly little-kid-eating-a-lollipop smile, except tenfold in the goo. And it was just his face, pressed against the side of the jar we could see. His body had vanished, reduced to marmalade. He was goo. I had done it.

When times get fearful in the next few years, and they will get fearful, remember this story. You can turn JD into goo too. Well, maybe not him. I already got him, but I'm sure there are others you can turn into goo. It just might be less entertaining.